You would need to be living in some remote cave with no access to TV, radio, newspapers, or the Internet, to miss out on the whole “save the planet” message we have been bombarded with in recent years.

Before I continue I feel I should let you know where l stand on this whole matter of recycling. I like it, in theory.  I just happen to have a few issues with it.

I don’t appreciate when an individual, or in this case a group of people, leave me feeling as though I am being forced into doing something.  If you are the type of person who would respond to this statement by rolling your eyes, tutting, or thinking “It’s OK to force people to do something which is good for them”, I’m telling you right now that this is not the place for you, you’re not welcome here, please leave.

This forceful approach immediately triggers something inside of me and I begin to think of organised religions and some followers who take it upon themselves to make sure the whole world believes in God.  If you want to believe in God, fine, if you want to believe that your God walks on water or has multiple arms, fine, just don’t expect me to accept it.  It’s never going to happen.

Anyway, recycling, it truly is a wonderful idea but a few things bother me a great deal about it.  Around a week ago I saw an advert on TV, I am pretty sure it was for some brand of toilet paper, and it managed to add even more weight to my negative feelings toward how recycling is presented to us.  The voice-over which accompanied this advert told us all just how awesome their product is because it is made entirely from recycled material.  On the face of things this is a wonderful idea.  This kills two birds with one stone.  There are many people out there who love to sit around and moan about the state of the environment.  These individuals will now have the opportunity to combine this activity with their toilet seat while helping the environment by using their lovely recycled toilet paper.  Genius.

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are the type of person who recycles paper on a regular basis.  You have just helped the environment by donating some paper, which you previously purchased, and this will in turn be recycled and you feel very proud of yourself.  Well done.  You then take a trip to the supermarket and you buy yourself some more paper but, being the environmentally concious person you are, not any paper will suffice so you go for the brand which states that it is a 100% recycled product.  Well done.  You head back home, you put your shopping away, perhaps you make yourself something to drink (Tea or Coffee.  I am not suggesting this fictional version of you is also an alcoholic) and you sit back, relax, and turn on the TV.  You deserve a rest as not only has it been a long day you also managed to do your bit to save the planet!  You notice a TV advert, it is instantly familiar because you have seen it many times before, it’s the one about that recycled paper you just purchased.  This advert has just confirmed that you are a great person.  You feel incredible.  Well done.

This high might last you quite a while.  You may even boast about it to your friends, nothing too blatant, the type of thing you might casually throw into a conversation.  Did someone just mention a supermarket?  Now is your chance.  Tell them how magnificent you are.  Did someone just mention the environment?  Even better.  Be quick.  Tell them!  If you are not quick someone else might tell them about their own planet-saving purchase and that would spoil your chance to represent.

There will come a point when the dust settles.  Perhaps you will grow tired of constantly saving the planet, I don’t blame you, it’s a huge task.  Perhaps you will find it more and more difficult to represent as the number of environmentally aware recruits continues to rise and eventually you will lose your grasp on that individual identity you try so hard to maintain.  Better yet, perhaps you will realise that the people behind your beloved brand of 100% recycled toilet paper couldn’t care less about the environment and have in fact been playing you for a fool.  While you have been purchasing this environmentally friendly toilet paper they have been lining their pockets with your hard earned cash and, since it costs a lot less to recycle material than to cut down some trees and turn them into fresh paper, they have managed to achieve a higher profit margin than their competitors.  They must really love you and the environment if they are willing to use such a minuscule amount of effort in order to become incredibly rich.

Those people who work for this company, and companies like it, are only doing their job; they are making money.  Consumers, on the other hand, should know better than to let their hearts control their heads.  Sometimes, and you should thank me for being so honest, you really do deserve a slap.

Large corporations must love volunteers since they take care of a lot of issues which the large corporations face and they don’t even have to pay a penny for it, they must be laughing at those who do it. I wonder if there was a specific moment when it became politically correct and decent to do incredibly generous things to help those in need and to not get paid. A great number of volunteer organizations choose to pay those who oversee things but not the workers who are directly helping others, however, let’s put this fact to one side for now.

The people I find most interesting are those who run volunteer organizations in an entirely non-profit manner, which is to say that no-one gets paid, I wonder if they ever stop to consider that not only is their kindness being taken for granted but, by asking others to do the same, they are playing into the hands of those they dislike the most, those who have vast amounts of resources but do not wish to help.

The large corporations don’t care about those who are sick and dying over in Africa because they don’t fill their pockets full of cash, however, they must be counting their blessings when volunteers help homeless people get off the streets and back to being a “productive member of society” which is another term for “making money, spending money”. Homeless people are not hopeless cases since there is a chance they can be reformed, however, those dying from starvation and AIDS over in Africa better try their best to get hold of a credit card soon if they have any real hope of the money men taking notice and valuing their lives.

Anarchists and Communists share a common misconception, they both believe that by gathering together they will become stronger; this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Communism is based on the idea that everyone is equal, as soon as someone comes along and starts leading a group, the balance of power in the collective is shifted, and since humans tend to require some sort of leadership, this always happens, and Communist ideals are doomed from the very beginning.

Anarchists believe that by standing around in groups, singing the same songs, or marching together with the same protest in mind, that they are stronger, this is simply not the case. True anarchism does not have a banner, or a dress code, or anything else which is organized, the two simply can’t go together. An organized anarchist group is an incredible contradiction in terms. If these ‘anarchists’ really wish to bring down ‘the man’ in the shape of the government and the large corporations, they need to start thinking outside the box, become a true individual activist with their own independent ideas, and stop running around like a flock of easily controlled sheep. The extent of just how easily controlled these demonstrators are can be found in the idea that protesters “must” inform the Police of any demonstrations they have organized. This notification was given to the authorities about demonstrations planned for the Beijing Olympics torch ceremony in London; the Police underhandedly used this information to change the route in order to avoid many of the protesters.

Humans like to debate things, most of us don’t even care what the topic is, the very fact that there is a topic is more than enough reason for us to grab it with both hands and debate the life out of it.

Remember a time when we used to debate the existence of God? That is old news!

Remember a time when we used to debate the meaning of life? Ha! That is so last week! 

If, like myself, you enjoy little more than a good old fashioned debate, you will no doubt have dropped such insignificant concerns and you will be debating something much more powerful. 

Who was better as The Joker, Nicholson or Ledger?

Two sides of the same coin

While it is true that I love a good debate I feel it necessary to skip past that whole process of weighing up evidence and jump straight to the only sensible conclusion.  Don’t choose.  You don’t have to choose.  They both did an equally wonderful job with the character and, most importantly, they both played the character differently.

I’ll no doubt be attacked by hundreds of Heather Ledger fans for saying this, but is it not possible, ever so slightly, that the popular “Ledger was better than Nicholson” statement is partially influenced by the fact that the young actor died in such shocking circumstances?

Ledger was brilliant.

Nicholson was brilliant.

Both films are brilliant.

Besides, I don’t know about you guys but I once saw some footage of Nicholson attacking a vehicle with a Golf club in some sort of Golf-rage incident, do you really want to risk upsetting Jack?

I would like to take this moment to point out that I don’t tend to go out of my way in order to bash any particular country, there are annoying elements about every country, having said that, it just so happens that America either has more than its fair share of annoying elements or the average American is louder than everyone else.

Annoying phrases:

“I could care less”

This statement never ceases to amaze me. When a person says this what they actually mean to say is “I couldn’t care less” because this correct version indicates that the person cares so little about a particular topic that they don’t feel it is possible to care any less, while the aforementioned incorrect version just shows how illiterate that person is.

“110%”

Or any other percentage beyond 100, usually heard spoken by sport “personalities” when describing the amount of effort they intend on putting into a performance, “I promise to give it 110%, as I always do”. This trend has sadly reached the British shores in recent years, and it saddens me. 100% is the maximum possible amount of effort, or anything else for that matter, stop this madness!

“We won the war!”

This statement is of course referring to World War 2, and any British readers will most likely have heard this statement multiple times, especially if you happen to play any multiplayer war games. I will do my best to clear this one up, you could say I’ll give it 110%, but that would be a filthy lie! For those Americans who believe this statement to be true, it’s pretty simple really, if a party is scheduled to begin at 9pm, you can’t just stroll in at five minutes to midnight with a bottle in your hand, or in this case two atom bombs, and expect to be crowned the life and soul of the party.

Misuse of the English language:

(This might seem a bit rich coming from a Scot, but trust me when I say that we are perfectly aware of our misuse, we just choose not to correct it, while many Americans don’t acknowledge the error of their ways.)

“A-loo-min-um”

I believe the word people are searching for is “Aluminium”. Say it after me, A-loo-min-e-um, if we work together on this the world will be a much better place.

“Erb”

I know what you might be thinking, “Erb isn’t a word”, and if you are thinking this, well done, you pass with flying colours, if you’re not thinking this, please pay attention. “Herb” is a word, it’s a good word, and without this word you couldn’t write “Herbs and Spices” and this would be a disaster. Please, don’t be afraid of that H, pronounce it and feel proud that you’re not as illiterate as your neighbour.

“Nu-cu-lar”

To any Presidents of the United States who happen to be reading this, while sitting on the toilet, you know; deciding on which country to invade next or something, read this word and then try pronouncing it properly, “Nuclear”.

Please note: I love Americans.