This is an absolute disgrace!

They expect us to walk around like mindless puppets who accept their every word. How dare they report to us that some rich people who own their own homes are upset because the value of their house is falling? TOUGH!

This type of reporting makes me absolutely raging! It disgusts me!

Now and again they might throw in something such as “there are some people who feel that falling house prices is a good thing because they can’t afford to buy their own house at the moment” and then add a “but…” and let their bellies rumble about how the rich will still be upset!

I for one couldn’t give a flying fuck if some people are moaning about the falling value of their property.

Let’s get this straight – THEY ALREADY HAVE A FUCKING HOME! You see what I’m getting at here? They couldn’t give a fuck about anyone who can’t afford to purchase their home, so why should anyone give a fuck about them? This is madness!!

At what point did people start believing that they have a right to own a home AND that their home will increase in value each year?  It isn’t as though a house is a rare commodity, there seems to be plenty of them around, so why do owners believe their house should increase in value?

Outside of some antiques and rare items can anyone think of another commodity which increases in value in such a way?
There is an unwritten rule of thumb that if you own an item and decide to sell it on you should do the decent thing and decrease the price.
With this in mind, why do some home owners still expect, despite so many years of fortunate rising prices, to see the value of their home stay still let alone continue to rise?

I have a suggestion – Shut up and give it a rest you bunch of greedy bastards!

There was a time in Scotland when we had clans; the rest of the world had various tribes or groups of people with a similar title. Within these tribes there was an incredible unity, they had a structure and everyone stuck to it. Human nature would dictate that there would of course have been bickering, but ultimately the needs of the tribe always came first. These tribes were kept together, not through blind loyalty to each other, the reason behind this loyalty and clanship was that the tribe had to be kept intact in order to survive in a land where other tribes may threaten.

Later, these tribes were slowly disbanded. The clans in Scotland were spread thin, losing their identity and power. The tribes in North America were either wiped out or forced into much smaller lands, eventually leading to accepting the ways of the “New World”. Similar groups of people around the world encountered the same fate and all for the sake of unity in a so called civilised and democratic era.

This brought forth a monumental change on earth, the focus was now on countries, the tribes were gone and they now worked, and fought, under one banner. Without a level of conflict, we may not have witnessed some of the most inspiring displays of unity in our history. Would the British civilians have been as united during WW2 if not for the Nazi attempts at bombing the life out of the British mainland? Is it not the case that the most united America has been in their recent past was just after the atrocities of 9/11? As hopeless and shameful as it may sound, nothing unites people more than conflict and its aftermath.

I believe that the once proud notion of “country” is beginning to disintegrate. At the very least the level of sovereignty is beginning to unravel. It is also fair to say that there has always been a level of uncertainty among people when it comes to their governments; after all, they are the authority, but that uncertainty appears to have been replaced with outright distrust. This distrust showed itself when millions of people marched across the British Isles in protest at the outbreak of the Iraq war. Perhaps we are becoming too adept at seeing through the rhetoric from our government ministers, the claim that Saddam could launch mystery WMDs at Britain in a matter of 45 minutes certainly had many people up in arms, in this case figuratively speaking. Britain did not protest alone, New Yorkers and others around the globe also marched that day. This impressive display of solidarity may not have been possible without a level of conflict involved, not just the conflict of the war itself but also from the distrust the people have with their governments.

Mass Effect, from Bioware, is an absolutely incredible achievement.  It is rare that a videogame will come along and squeeze its way into my list of all-time faves, but this one manages that very task without so much as breaking a sweat!

I am a huge fan of Bioware’s Knights of the Old Republic games on the original Xbox (and PC) and because of this I had been eagerly anticipating Mass Effect since…well…the start of time.  In fact, the only game that I have been anticipating more is Alan Wake from Remedy, the guys behind the Max Payne games!

I will try a different approach for this review, I don’t normally list the Pros and Cons of something, but I shall give it a shot and see how I feel about it!

PROS
The main story is very well written and could be found in any major motion picture – think Star Wars and you won’t go far wrong.  This game is complete with as many twists and turns as any of your fave films.
The characters are very well-rounded, they have their own interesting back-stories, but more importantly than this, they are truly believable which is all too rare in Videogames.
This game is absolutely stunning, from the beautiful graphics to the realistic animations, and what is most impressive is the fact that they achieved this level of detail in something so enormous in scale.
The time it takes for completion – There is nothing worse than playing a truly great game only to have it end just as you were really getting into it, in this respect Mass Effect will not fail you, on the first play-through I did as many side missions as I could find and it took me around 40 hours to complete.
Notice I said FIRST play-through.  When I finished the game I immediately started again, using the SAME character.  Loved the game and want to try a higher difficulty setting but don’t want to face a complete uphill struggle?  No problem, you can start from the beginning again, and you can choose to carry over your character complete with their level, stats, cash, and abilities!  Go on, do things differently this time.
The side missions are also very well written and a few of them have quite a lot of detail.  If they were to package together the side missions in Mass Effect they would be worthy of an entire game! And a very decent one at that!
The voice acting in Mass Effect is probably the best I have ever heard in a videogame. I could rhyme off a great number of games which have attempted to deliver realistic voice acting and fell flat on their faces. Previous moments of “But they would not respond like that!” or “This sounds like a robot talking!” are long gone, although having said that, there ARE robots in the game…and they DO sound like robots.
The soundtrack, as with KOTOR, is breathtaking. It features all the subtle emotional undertones you might expect from a quality film production and even throws in some fast-paced adrenaline pumping music you would find in a good blockbuster.
This game will have the players feeling proper EMOTIONS, these emotions are not forced down their throats, it just happens quite naturally.  There are a few big decisions near the end of the game, and I found myself taking a risk which did not pay off, and I honestly felt quite emotional about the aftermath.
It has monkeys in it! Everything which features a monkey is much better for having it. Oh, you want evidence? Ok, think of the film King Kong, and now think of that film minus the big monkey, you see my point?  Not enough proof?  Ok, try this on for size, think of Planet of the Apes, then remove the apes, now, do you understand?

CONS
In the early stages of the game the team-mate AI is very erratic, this does clear up as the game progresses and they act as you would expect them to in combat situations, but there will be early moments of frustration as you witness your team-mate standing in the open and “dying” all too easily.  I say dying, but it is more like being KO’d, they get back to their feet at the end of the battle so it’s not as major a problem as it could be.
Many of the side-missions involve visiting the surfaces of planets and exploring them with the use of the Mako all-terrain vehicle.  I personally did not find this to be a problem, I actually enjoyed using the Mako, but some of the terrain can be rough going and this, added to a few of the more repetitive side-missions, may take slightly more patience than the average person can handle.
Lastly, and this is a very minor issue, and as with the Mako I personally had little problem with this. The game has quite a few minor graphical glitches, although you will not find a situation where you witness one after another, they seem to mostly happen at random and so they may not even crop up that often.

SUMMARY
As I mentioned at the start of this review, this game is an incredible achievement, one which should be experienced by anyone who:
Likes videogames.
Likes films.
Likes Sci-Fi in general.
Is an all-round decent, wise, and lovely person!
There is also talk of Mass Effect as being the first part in a trilogy of games…that second game can’t come soon enough for me.  To put this into context, I was dreaming of a sequel when I was only halfway through completing Mass Effect which shows how good this game is – I did not want it to end.

Oh, and one more thing, movie critic Roger Ebert has apparently elected himself as a one-man videogame-fighting machine. 
Ebert claims that videogames should not be considered as “art” because in his opinion, the choice that a player is given detracts from the overall view of the author – This is utter NONSENSE.  If anything, videogames have the potential to overtake films in the “art” stakes, simply BECAUSE they offer a level of interaction not found in film.

Ebert is an elitist, and what he fails to grasp is that his beloved medium of film was attacked on its introduction, and elitists at the time felt that films could never be accepted as a legitimate form of art!
As a medium, videogames are still in its infancy, to write them off with such flagrant disregard is an incredibly arrogant act, one which forced me to rethink my views on this otherwise thoughtful individual.

Make no mistake, Mass Effect IS art.

If “modern art” is an accepted form of art, then it baffles me that anyone has the audacity to suggest that videogames are not.  Present me with a great game with a lot of depth, and a pile of bricks, and I sure as hell know which one I would say is art!

The apparent “message” is administered with a sledgehammer, over and over, and I don’t appreciate that, especially since the Walt Disney corporation are in NO position to be preaching to anyone.

In fact, I find it absolutely disgusting that Disney would even attempt to convey such a message when they constantly produce tons and tons of plastic shit to accompany their adverts, sorry….I meant “Movies”, products which were, I might add, mostly created by severely underpaid people in sweat-shops!

But, beside this moral high ground I have decided to take, 3/4 of this film consisted of an incredibly annoying repetition of “EVA!” and “WALL-E” in varying degrees of brain-destroying squeak. Also, the whole “robot just wants to fall in love” thing, I found that to be utter bollocks, if he was that emotionally advanced, you would think he might also have been intelligent enough to quit creating blocks of rubbish over and over again in a world empty of his former human masters.

Oh, and another thing, I don’t find incredibly fat people funny, so I can’t understand why that Captain character was used as some sort of misguided comic relief.

Then, on top of all this, we have the multiple and blatant examples of character theft from other, superior, Sci-Fi stories, Johnny 5 from Short Circuit and HAL from 2001 being just two of the more obvious examples.

As far as I am concerned, this Movie has managed to achieve an unwarranted worldwide reach-around resulting in an almighty record-breaking Daisy-chain during which everyone agrees that the person in front of them, assuming they also enjoyed the film and haven’t just been caught up in this gruesome sexual act by horrific accident, that they, like themselves, are an intellectual force incapable of being touched by those who didn’t like it.

I have to hand it to them, Wall-E is the single greatest piece of merchandise advertising the world has ever seen.

Before I continue I feel I should let you know where l stand on this whole matter of recycling. I like it, in theory.  I just happen to have a few issues with it.

I don’t appreciate when an individual, or in this case a group of people, leave me feeling as though I am being forced into doing something.  If you are the type of person who would respond to this statement by rolling your eyes, tutting, or thinking “It’s OK to force people to do something which is good for them”, I’m telling you right now that this is not the place for you, you’re not welcome here, please leave.

This forceful approach immediately triggers something inside of me and I begin to think of organised religions and some followers who take it upon themselves to make sure the whole world believes in God.  If you want to believe in God, fine, if you want to believe that your God walks on water or has multiple arms, fine, just don’t expect me to accept it.  It’s never going to happen.

Anyway, recycling, it truly is a wonderful idea but a few things bother me a great deal about it.  Around a week ago I saw an advert on TV, I am pretty sure it was for some brand of toilet paper, and it managed to add even more weight to my negative feelings toward how recycling is presented to us.  The voice-over which accompanied this advert told us all just how awesome their product is because it is made entirely from recycled material.  On the face of things this is a wonderful idea.  This kills two birds with one stone.  There are many people out there who love to sit around and moan about the state of the environment.  These individuals will now have the opportunity to combine this activity with their toilet seat while helping the environment by using their lovely recycled toilet paper.  Genius.

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are the type of person who recycles paper on a regular basis.  You have just helped the environment by donating some paper, which you previously purchased, and this will in turn be recycled and you feel very proud of yourself.  Well done.  You then take a trip to the supermarket and you buy yourself some more paper but, being the environmentally concious person you are, not any paper will suffice so you go for the brand which states that it is a 100% recycled product.  Well done.  You head back home, you put your shopping away, perhaps you make yourself something to drink (Tea or Coffee.  I am not suggesting this fictional version of you is also an alcoholic) and you sit back, relax, and turn on the TV.  You deserve a rest as not only has it been a long day you also managed to do your bit to save the planet!  You notice a TV advert, it is instantly familiar because you have seen it many times before, it’s the one about that recycled paper you just purchased.  This advert has just confirmed that you are a great person.  You feel incredible.  Well done.

This high might last you quite a while.  You may even boast about it to your friends, nothing too blatant, the type of thing you might casually throw into a conversation.  Did someone just mention a supermarket?  Now is your chance.  Tell them how magnificent you are.  Did someone just mention the environment?  Even better.  Be quick.  Tell them!  If you are not quick someone else might tell them about their own planet-saving purchase and that would spoil your chance to represent.

There will come a point when the dust settles.  Perhaps you will grow tired of constantly saving the planet, I don’t blame you, it’s a huge task.  Perhaps you will find it more and more difficult to represent as the number of environmentally aware recruits continues to rise and eventually you will lose your grasp on that individual identity you try so hard to maintain.  Better yet, perhaps you will realise that the people behind your beloved brand of 100% recycled toilet paper couldn’t care less about the environment and have in fact been playing you for a fool.  While you have been purchasing this environmentally friendly toilet paper they have been lining their pockets with your hard earned cash and, since it costs a lot less to recycle material than to cut down some trees and turn them into fresh paper, they have managed to achieve a higher profit margin than their competitors.  They must really love you and the environment if they are willing to use such a minuscule amount of effort in order to become incredibly rich.

Those people who work for this company, and companies like it, are only doing their job; they are making money.  Consumers, on the other hand, should know better than to let their hearts control their heads.  Sometimes, and you should thank me for being so honest, you really do deserve a slap.

The people I find most interesting are those who run volunteer organizations in an entirely non-profit manner, which is to say that no-one gets paid, I wonder if they ever stop to consider that not only is their kindness being taken for granted but, by asking others to do the same, they are playing into the hands of those they dislike the most, those who have vast amounts of resources but do not wish to help.

The large corporations don’t care about those who are sick and dying over in Africa because they don’t fill their pockets full of cash, however, they must be counting their blessings when volunteers help homeless people get off the streets and back to being a “productive member of society” which is another term for “making money, spending money”. Homeless people are not hopeless cases since there is a chance they can be reformed, however, those dying from starvation and AIDS over in Africa better try their best to get hold of a credit card soon if they have any real hope of the money men taking notice and valuing their lives.

Anarchists and Communists share a common misconception, they both believe that by gathering together they will become stronger; this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Communism is based on the idea that everyone is equal, as soon as someone comes along and starts leading a group, the balance of power in the collective is shifted, and since humans tend to require some sort of leadership, this always happens, and Communist ideals are doomed from the very beginning.

Anarchists believe that by standing around in groups, singing the same songs, or marching together with the same protest in mind, that they are stronger, this is simply not the case. True anarchism does not have a banner, or a dress code, or anything else which is organized, the two simply can’t go together. An organized anarchist group is an incredible contradiction in terms. If these ‘anarchists’ really wish to bring down ‘the man’ in the shape of the government and the large corporations, they need to start thinking outside the box, become a true individual activist with their own independent ideas, and stop running around like a flock of easily controlled sheep. The extent of just how easily controlled these demonstrators are can be found in the idea that protesters “must” inform the Police of any demonstrations they have organized. This notification was given to the authorities about demonstrations planned for the Beijing Olympics torch ceremony in London; the Police underhandedly used this information to change the route in order to avoid many of the protesters.

Remember a time when we used to debate the existence of God? That is old news!

Remember a time when we used to debate the meaning of life? Ha! That is so last week! 

If, like myself, you enjoy little more than a good old fashioned debate, you will no doubt have dropped such insignificant concerns and you will be debating something much more powerful. 

Who was better as The Joker, Nicholson or Ledger?

Two sides of the same coin

While it is true that I love a good debate I feel it necessary to skip past that whole process of weighing up evidence and jump straight to the only sensible conclusion.  Don’t choose.  You don’t have to choose.  They both did an equally wonderful job with the character and, most importantly, they both played the character differently.

I’ll no doubt be attacked by hundreds of Heather Ledger fans for saying this, but is it not possible, ever so slightly, that the popular “Ledger was better than Nicholson” statement is partially influenced by the fact that the young actor died in such shocking circumstances?

Ledger was brilliant.

Nicholson was brilliant.

Both films are brilliant.

Besides, I don’t know about you guys but I once saw some footage of Nicholson attacking a vehicle with a Golf club in some sort of Golf-rage incident, do you really want to risk upsetting Jack?

Annoying phrases:

“I could care less”

This statement never ceases to amaze me. When a person says this what they actually mean to say is “I couldn’t care less” because this correct version indicates that the person cares so little about a particular topic that they don’t feel it is possible to care any less, while the aforementioned incorrect version just shows how illiterate that person is.

“110%”

Or any other percentage beyond 100, usually heard spoken by sport “personalities” when describing the amount of effort they intend on putting into a performance, “I promise to give it 110%, as I always do”. This trend has sadly reached the British shores in recent years, and it saddens me. 100% is the maximum possible amount of effort, or anything else for that matter, stop this madness!

“We won the war!”

This statement is of course referring to World War 2, and any British readers will most likely have heard this statement multiple times, especially if you happen to play any multiplayer war games. I will do my best to clear this one up, you could say I’ll give it 110%, but that would be a filthy lie! For those Americans who believe this statement to be true, it’s pretty simple really, if a party is scheduled to begin at 9pm, you can’t just stroll in at five minutes to midnight with a bottle in your hand, or in this case two atom bombs, and expect to be crowned the life and soul of the party.

Misuse of the English language:

(This might seem a bit rich coming from a Scot, but trust me when I say that we are perfectly aware of our misuse, we just choose not to correct it, while many Americans don’t acknowledge the error of their ways.)

“A-loo-min-um”

I believe the word people are searching for is “Aluminium”. Say it after me, A-loo-min-e-um, if we work together on this the world will be a much better place.

“Erb”

I know what you might be thinking, “Erb isn’t a word”, and if you are thinking this, well done, you pass with flying colours, if you’re not thinking this, please pay attention. “Herb” is a word, it’s a good word, and without this word you couldn’t write “Herbs and Spices” and this would be a disaster. Please, don’t be afraid of that H, pronounce it and feel proud that you’re not as illiterate as your neighbour.

“Nu-cu-lar”

To any Presidents of the United States who happen to be reading this, while sitting on the toilet, you know; deciding on which country to invade next or something, read this word and then try pronouncing it properly, “Nuclear”.

Please note: I love Americans.